I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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