you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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