I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
