i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize