My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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