He asked me if I "almost moaned"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
