Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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