Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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