Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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