I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
