God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
