I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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