Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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