I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
