I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
