i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
