I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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