why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My vagina is very pro this idea
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
