just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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