Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize