she looked like the before picture.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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