she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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