I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
