2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
