so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
