He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
