I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
