i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
