there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
