my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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