Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
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