I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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