Where is the hickey?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
