It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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