So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
