So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
