It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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