We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
