I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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