There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
