Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
