I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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