I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
