I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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