If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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