I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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