And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
