i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
