You made me cry and you don't even care
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
