Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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