My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
