So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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