we're chasing vodka with high fives
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize