Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
