My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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