Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
