Betty ford says i'm here all night
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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