U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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