Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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