dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
And then he peed in my hair
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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