its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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