I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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