I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
