my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
